There's this familiar feeling that I have experienced throughout my life... some call it "in the flow," AA people call it "walking in the sunlight of the spirit," and others may say being at one with God. I know that feeling well, and there is no place i'd rather be than basking in that experience. This happened to me yesterday, so I tried to be aware of how I knew it was happening. I feel a sense of ease and comfort. I become bubbly with strangers as I feel a heightened appreciation for who they are and how they are so sweetly interacting with me making me smile. I feel more brave and confident. I notice the sunset feels like my breath and the breeze in the trees swirls in sync.
Quickly, I texted my dad and best friend Ashley "It's happening. I am in the flow again. This is what God wants me to do!" Ashley responded, "what does God want you to do?"
See, yesterday I just showed up fully for my life with no stress, no expectation. I meditated & prayed heavily that God would use me as an instrument of his peace. Lifeteen.com, the worlds leading Catholic youth ministry who serves hundreds of thousands of teens world wide through their curriculums, had just arrived to interview me for my story. I had not spoken publicly too much about the porn industry, but now was the time to do something big. They would use this video to show teens the girl behind the camera. Porn is a current public health crisis which we could chat for hours about, but for me this was about healing & serving.
They followed me to my Dr.'s appointment as I have a rare liver disease brought on from pregnancy that puts my baby at great risk. We chatted and laughed openly... I felt my contagious bubbly personality pour over into their hearts.
As I arrived at my drive way alone, something hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in so much pain this last year... desperately seeking an answer or relief or to learn some big lesson. In this moment in my car, something said in my head, "Everything that has happened this year, in this pregnancy, in this relationship with Phillip, DOES NOT MEAN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. This is just the experience that young lady Robin has had this year due to her certain life experiences and to extrenuous circumstances. This does not mean you're wrong or broken. And although it may make it challenging for the people close in your life, YOU ARE WORTH THE CHALLENGE. YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SECOND." Tears fell profusely down my face, I leaned my head back with my eyes closed realizing my worth for the first time.... and I had a vision.
... God, some being, held my head back in his hands and kissed my forehead as if he were revealing a gift to his daughter. Letting me know its ok... that he knows i've been suffering & in this moment I was ready for the truth. I had passed some test or reached some level that made me ready for to discover my personal treasure. I suddenly felt a knowing of myself beyond anything I've ever known and so drastically opposite of how I had been viewing who I am my whole life. I believed I was a burden... unloveable, too complicated.
Now, I know, no matter what comes up, I am worth the challenge because God made me that way. I anticipate that the challenges will become less and less for years to come. And, some day, to someone, I will be worth the effort to love me & show up for me.